The Man Who Wanted to Come to Dinner Page 2

your nose. Take another deep breath and let it out. Now take another deep breath and let it out slowly. Start to move into the first Kingdom. At the count of ten you will be in the first kingdom, and so it is. One, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, 10. You are now in the first Kingdom. Feel it, believe it, and know it is so.

  (All have their eyes shut except Achmed who looks around the room searching for this kingdom).

  Audrey: The blue light of higher consciousness is surrounding your silver cord. You are one with the universe.

  (They sit in silence for a minute).

  Dave: I see a flower unfolding over a lake. IT’s floating upwards higher, and higher. It blends with the clouds. Now the petals are hanging down. They are turning white like ice. They are the tops of mountains covered in ice. They are the Himalayas. Now they are starting to erupt like volcanoes. They are spewing out. I don’t believe this, they’re more erupting flowers. It is the cycle of life – rebirth, eternal life in the universe! Wow!

  (a long silence)

  Audrey: What do you see, Pat?

  Pat: Well, it’s kind of hard to say. I’m afraid I’m not getting much tonight. Maybe I’m stuck in the fight I had with Susan.

  (silence)

  Audrey: Do you want to tell us about it?

  Pat: No.

  (more silence)

  Audrey: What about you, Achmed? Can you get a vision of anything?

  Achmed: A large bowl of rice.

  Dave: Rice?

  Achmed: Yes, a very large bowl of rice, over-flowing, like snow on the top of a mountain. My children are eating it. They are eating more and more. My wife’s father and sister are eating too. Their thin ribs are filling up. I am eating it as well. I can taste it now!

  Audrey: That sounds pretty good. Have you done this before?

  Achmed (fervently): Oh yes Miss! Night after night! When we go to bed hungry, I have visions of rice, and curry and millet, lamb and chicken and lentils, soup and fruit, tomatoes, onions, beans, yes!

  Pat: Beans?

  Achmed: Beans, yes, delicious beans, growing in the field. Hot beans, fried beans, and bean sauce, beans in gravy. Yes, I see them so clearly I can almost taste them.

  Audrey: That’s quite an achievement, especially for your first time.

  Achmed: You are too kind, Madame. NO, I must admit, ever since the rains stopped, seven, eight years ago, I have been dreaming of beans and rice and fish and meat and things I saw only in magazines, but I know they must be good. The handsome foreigners are enjoying them so. But I never see them eating the food, just standing around, smiling, and talking about food. Very strange, you know.

  Pat: Gosh, that’s making me hungry. My stomach’s starting to growl. Can’t we change the subject? I’m trying to achieve higher consciousness.

  Achmed: So sorry, sir.

  Audrey: I suppose visualizing fruit isn’t much different from visualizing flowers.

  Dave: Could we do the astral travel exercise? I was just beginning to get the hang of it last week.

  Audrey: Sure, but I don’t want to lead this one. Would you mind guiding us Pat?

  Pat: I guess so. Is that O.K. with everybody else?

  (murmurs of assent)

  Pat: Alright (leafs through a sheaf of papers). Here it is. Is everybody ready?

  (mumbles of agreement)

  Pat: O.K. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and let it out through your nose. Take another deep breath and let it out slowly. Now take one more deep breath and let it out as slowly as you can. You will move into the first Kingdom, but you will not stop there. You will pass through it into the second Kingdom and prepare to leave your body behind. As I count to ten, you will be moving through the first Kingdom, into the second Kingdom and prepare to leave your body behind there. One, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Now you are in the second Kingdom. Feel it, believe it, and know it is so. The blue light of conscious ness is surrounding your silver cord. Focus your attention on the cord. Keep it there. Now your body will be safe from all harmful influences. Your spirit will be protected. It will be safe to gently float out of your bodies. Let your consciousness fly where it will, and now,…you are free!

  (Silence. Achmed opens his eyes and looks around in disbelief, then closes them guiltily after making eye contact with Pat. More silence).

  Audrey (breathlessly): Wow! Unbelievable!

  Pat: When you are ready to return to your bodies, you will alight softly like a butterfly and re-enter smoothly before returning to this plane. Whenever you are ready, feel free to return to earth.

  Dave: I think I really did it this time!

  Audrey: Good for you Dave!

  Pat (to Audrey): Was it good for you too?

  Audrey: It’s hard to talk about it. I’m not even sure what I saw, but wow! What a feeling! I have no idea where I was.

  Pat: What about you, Achmed?

  Achmed: It was very nice, yes, very nice.

  Dave: Did you get off? Did you travel anywhere?

  Achmed: I went to the market. It was wonderful. I had lots of money. I bought fresh lamb and chicken, vegetables and rice – bags and bags of rice and grain from America, the kind they sell on the black market.

  Dave: Is that all? Just more food?

  Achmed: But it was paradise, I am sure. There was enough food for everybody. No one was hungry. All the children were fat. The ladies in the market were laughing. They had so much food they even started giving it away. I never ran out of money. It was too much to carry back to our home so we sat in the market place and started to eat it, then and there.

  Pat: This is pretty hopeless. Audrey would you and Dave mind if we took a little break. Our guest is making it impossible for me to keep my focus.

  Dave: That’s O.K.

  Audrey: Sure.

  Achmed: I hope I have not offended you.

  Pat: I didn’t mean that. It’s just that we are trying to focus our attention on higher things for a while and all you ever talk about is food.

  Achmed: I am so sorry. I will not do it again. No, not again, ever.

  Pat: Well, don’t make a big deal out of it. But since you keep bringing it up, would anyone like a snack?

  Achmed: Oh certainly. Yes indeed, that would be very fine.

  Audrey: O.K. I guess so.

  Dave: I’m not really hungry, but what have you got?

  Pat: I have some – no, they all got eaten (looks reproachfully at Achmed). Well, I’ll check the kitchen. We must have something.

  (Pat exits. After a moment Achmed gets up and follows him. While Audrey and Dave remain seated cross legged on the floor, voices come from the kitchen).

  Achmed: May I be of assistance, sir?

  Pat: No thanks. I don’t need any help.

  Achmed: Yes sir. I understand. I won’t trouble you.

  (cupboard doors slam)

  Pat: I guess we could try a little of this and maybe some of that would go good with it.

  Achmed: May I try on sir?

  Pat (reluctantly): Yeah…

  Achmed: Oh very good, very good indeed sir! Mmm Might I try another please?

  Pat: Um, I suppose so.

  Achmed (with his mouth full): Oh yes. MM. mmm. Very tasty. Yes delicious. Very good indeed.

  Pat: Now hold on. I’m just getting a plate to serve them. There are other people here waiting for this you know. Hey! Take it easy, will you?

  (Audrey and Dave stare toward the kitchen off stage)

  Achmed: Oh this looks very good too. May I try one of these?

  Pat: Hey wait a goddam minute! I’m getting it. Just hold on a second!

  Achmed: mmm yes. You are too kind sir. Allah will bless you. You can be sure of it. A very great blessing indeed.

  Pat: Christ almighty! Where do you get off? Do you just walk into a guy’s place and start helping yourself? I mean wait a goddam second or I’ll call the cops! I mean it. Stop right there! What the hell are you doing?

  (Dave rises to help. Audrey untangles her feet).

  Achmed (running back on stage car
rying two bags of groceries, calls over his shoulder):

  I have many children, and my mother, she lives withus too, and of course my wife and her mother and sister. They will all bless yousir and now, I’m afraid I must be going.

  Pat (still off stage): Stop thief! Hey you bloody Arab pirate!

  (Achmed reaches the TV on the right side of the stage and vanishes as Pat enters from stage left with no pause in his speech): Come back here. (Looks around) Hey! Where did he go? Hey! Come back here with my food, you rag head son of a bitch!

  Dave: What the hell’s going on Pat?

  Pat (runs to the telephone, dials zero): Hello? Give me the RCMP. I don’t give a shit if it’s in the directory. This is a goddam emergency. Yes, the police and hurry it up, will you?

  Audrey: Pat, he’s gone.

  Pat: He can’t do that. Son of a bitch appears out of nowhere and runs off with all my groceries! Who the hell does he think he is? We shouldn’t let people like that into the country. God damn it, if I had my way (to the receiver) Yes I am holding on. I said this is a goddam emer- Ah crap! (to Audrey) I’m talking to a Dixieland band! Can you beat that? The cops are playing Dixieland music over the phone so I won’t hang up!

  Audrey: You might as well hang up. What’s the point? He’s gone!

  Pat: Gone? Where the hell did he go?

  Dave: Maybe I’m not seeing straight but it looked like he went right through your TV!

  Pat (stares): The TV? That’s where he came from! (To himself, hanging up the phone) Shit! The cops will never believe me anyway.

  Audrey: Are we visualizing this or is it real?

  Dave: Wait a minute. Didn’t he say he’s been practicing this for seven or eight years?

  Maybe he was just visualizing the food and he got so hungry that he went astral, traveled here and physically manifested the idea.

  Pat: Jesus! You may be right! (Unplugs the TV)

  Audrey: We should record this and pass it on to the other groups.

  Pat: To hell with that.

  Audrey: Where are you going?

  Pat (stops on the edge of the stage before going off into the kitchen): Lock the cupboards! There are millions and millions of them out there! (Exits, lights fade).